xian

i'm so sick and tired of exams, studying etc. it's like my body has already lan4 diao. and to make the monday even blue-er, i was rudely snapped out of a dream when it was the most exciting part. grr. then, while cleaning my specs i broke it into half (sorry. can't help it. too strong. heh) and then, when i wore my shoes i realised they were STILL wet. rah. annoying.

the prelims have dragged for so long and every paper i had seem to have been screwed up such that i have lost all motivation to work hard. hell. i dun mind the idea of poly anyway =) perhaps if everyone thinks the same way, only smart asses like anne marie and clarissa will get into JCs. haha. imagine. on the first day of school, almost the entire 16 year olds on singapore will be slacking away at home cos they din qualify for JC. wicked. it'll be quite funny to see the shocked faces of the principal when he first goes to assembly to greet and welcome the students. WAHAHA.

i'm pretty much slacking already, though i know i shouldn't be. but my body seems to want to do nothing but sleep. i mean, even sitting at the comp is a horrible thing to do. however, something has satisfied me. SUDOKO! yea. i trid one out today cos i saw it on the newspaper. and YAY! i completed it already. did another one on the net. and i'm so proud of myself. it is highly motivating when u are able to solve it =) makes u feel intelligent =D note the word feel. cos i know i'm not. no choice but to cheat myself. HEH HEH.

i've been wondering about my faith. it's been dead, and doing qt ain';t helping. i just feel DEAF to God's voice. and it's just so frustrating and highly discouraging.
sometimes i wonder if the times where i was close to God and heard his voice were just my imagination. that i was spiritually high and it in a way psychoed me into thinking and imagining stuff. i wonder if my faith IS real. am i trying to be a christian, growing deeper in the lord, to gain favour of those in church??? perhaps it's my need for acceptance that led me to "pretend". i don't know. sometimes, i feel fake. everyday, i think back about what i've been doing. and i realised, what on earth is the real me?? what is my character??? i got so many things i wanna tell people bout. but seeing past events etc. i don't dare to. it's highly frustrating.

i wanna get back to God. i don't know whether it' because i know we're in the end times and i'm very afraid to be left behind or i truly want to. i don't know. but it all seems so fake. like reading some christian books and all, i get so fired up, but once i'm done, things go back to norm. it's as if my heart is alive only during that time. and i don't even know if it's real or whether i;m just forcing myself to feel that way. RAHHHHHH... feel so lost and all. it seems like everyone else is getting closer to God and all and i'm not. it's difficult. and in a way, i don't feel like going to church. it seems that all my motives for doing things are all wrong, all fake. i don't know....

nvm. at least there's one thing to look out for --> the pri sch gathering this sat. YAY. can't wait to meet up with khai, reg and yy. but i must admit, i'm really scared to find out how they are like now. i mean, hearing yy on the phone totally freaked me out. it's like my total impression of how he was in pri sch was totally shattered. haha. no offense, but really. really scary. i can't imagine how my younger bro would look like when he goes tru puberty
..eeee..scary. think it's better to not think about it. HEH.