chao mugger

been a pretty long time since i last updated. anyway. last week's yf was great. perhaps it was from the encouragement from amy. i was really shocked about what she said. i mean. i've been in yf since i was sec 1 and i wasn't the very active kind of person. so well..it came as a great shock when amy said i've grown alot (not physically of cos look at my height!) besides. i didn't do much this year. but it was still very sweet of her to do so. made such a BIG impact on me. THANKS AMY!

youth sunday was great. finally. an ALL Youth kind of sunday service. which is way cooler than the adult service. not that the air con was lowered whatsoever. at least worship had a cool beat to it and all. it was great to see so many of my friends being baptised that day. out of which 4 were my age. i want to get baptised too. but i don't really think i'm very much ready for it. perhaps i should wait for God to give me the "go" sign. ah wellz.

i think i;ve been bugged by some nerd bug. all of a sudden i'm so on about studying and doing my tys. well. so far only e maths. i guess it's the weekly tests we are doing. i want to do well in all of them of course =) i have decided to try completing all my TYS =) and to improve my vocab for english. i shall read the dictionary. oh boy. i wonder what happened to my life? ah wellz. all for the sake of doing well for my o's what is that sacrifice????

i'm glad that my CG's outing is finally approved by Dave =) can't wait. i just love the cg outings that we have. i don't know why. i still think the bestest outing we had was the east coast camping one. way cool. anyone wants to join me for this week's one?????

church camp

church camp was more of fun and relaxation rather than the usual powerful relighting of the passion in us.

but at least this time..everyone was happy. i suppose the sec 4 girls have finally grown up and matured. i'm pretty sure they have learnt from the past few church camps right? i had a great time bunking with hormones raging girl by the name of NAT WEE who goes gaga when she sees ethan hawk..or should i say ETHAN HAWK as nat wee pronounces. =)

i didn't expect to have a lot of fun during the camp but more of spiritual rejuvenation but i got it the other way round. haha. was pretty bored the first day. let's start:

i was pretty scared that i would get sea sick and all. u see. i had a very bad experience the last time i went on such ferries. when i was younger, my mum brought us to her company outing thing. some ferry thing. i knew i would get sea sick so i was pretty unwilling to go. but she promised it would be a cruise and we won't get sea sick. yea right. i almost died on that ship. anyway, i suppose the fresh air outside helped me to stay sane on the ride to batam. seeing sentosa as we passed reminded me of amy. haha. i dunno. maybe it's cos it's her territory.

talked to sarah on the way and we errr...admired the dirty sea. haha. and we were talking chem. oh man. we have no life. haha. the entire tour was damn boring la. we had this damn GAY tour guide. he treated us to some kueh lapis. but of cos there's this motive behind. he was selling them. ass. pity no one wanted to buy it from him. WAHA. i'm an ass at shopping la. the only thing i shop for is...FOOD???? i think i shud start shopping for books. haha. so far the real shops that attract me are like art shops/christian shops/book shops/pet shops. not the typical girl -- clothes/accessories kind. anyway..with 100 000 rupiah..i bought a 3500 cup corn. and i had alot of trouble counting my change. the numbers are just too big. haha. we met daniel chia shopping with his mum. it was highly amusing..seeing him so lost and all as usual. all we could do is stare and laugh at him and he just stare back shyly and smiling back. haha. the other shops we visited were damn boring la. like i;m interested in super ex polo tees and salted i dunno what. lunch was pretty gross. sat with DUH-uh the yfers. we had seafood lunch which was pretty pathetic. haha. service was bad anyway. chris teo totally spoilt my bro and my appetite. he took the snaily thingy and he was just damn gross about it la. he chewed it in his mouth and then showed it to us and he pointed to us the eyes and nose and mouth. and EEWWWWW..need i say more?????

the hotel is damn nice and it has really GREAT services. people. if u ever go for a holiday in batam...go stay in HARRIS RESORT. it's the bestest. it has great service, great food etc. the people there are damn sporting and polite. confirm you a great happy stay there.

the games were fun. considering the fact that all i needed to do was stare at my team mates play. cos i was the only girl and the youngest there. i was mainly protected by the other big burly yfers. which was good of cos. we came in second. short of 5 points DAMN.

i was very much hoping that God would do great and powerful things in everyone's life there. but i dunno. everything was just very quiet. i guess God spoke in a very quiet way. i didn't think much of what God did in the camp..but reading other people's blog i realised that HEY. it does make sense. if i look back...God did speak to me. if not during the camp..then after. i mean. at least this shows that God doesn't speak to us only through camps, but He can speak to us anytime =)

all in all...i miss harris resort. i miss the nice people there. i miss the nice rooms, the nice roommates and all. SIGH.

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ARC outing

it's sad that the ARC outing is now like...15 people attending out of the almost 40. that's like less than 50 percent. in the older days...almost everyone would come..sigh.

the sec fours had originally planned to go cycling before the outing...but well..it started raining on my side so we decided to call off the entire thing. sadly. it stopped raining half an hour later. WHY GOD?!?!? kidding. perhaps he did it to prevent us from some injury. i duno. God works in mysterious ways =)

bowling was damn retarded. we were all laughing at how retarded we bowl. i dunno why..but my ball kept turning right just before it hits any pins. i tell u. it's the LANE! not me. hur hur. we tried to show met that it really was the lane. but u see..the usual ego in him would try to prove us wrong. which of cos. he failed. and he blamed debby on jinxing his ball. sigh. men.

i do agree with mat and liz that dinner was the funnest. though sadly we have to split up. i was pretty much entertaining liz and mat. we were like matchmaking couples in arc and all. highly amusing. haha. we moved on to the arcade after dinner and i was playing with liz and mat. i'm going to miss arc. sigh. sec 4 going to expire soon. SNIFF.

we had a great time all in all. but it was a very interesting point that savie made there. that when we entered the TIMES book store, all headed to different sections. with the sec fours heading to be amused by baby books with those feel it press it kind of stuff. and then splitting off to our own sections. with me being attracted to the religion section. i wouldn;t have thought much of it until savie started whispering to dunno who about me being in that section. i was looking through the books and all and i wished i could buy the books i wanted there. sadly. everything is so expensive. perhaps one day i should set up a library of christian books. so people like me who hunger for more info can just get the books at an affordable price
can't wait for my birthday or christmas or smth. haha. luuuuurrrrvvvvee it =) just give me book vouchers =)

i will continue on what hapened in yf today tmr. i think it deserves attention. haha.

nostalgia

was packing for tmr's church camp when mum called me in to get some of my stuff back to my room.

guess what it was???? presents from my 13th surprise birthday party. sniff. brings back so many memories. how my friends in church organised them and all. reading all their letters to me etc. sniff sniff. memories just hit me like a wave from a tsunami. SOBZ. it's sad that we are no longer as close as we used to be. all due to the june church camp like this one held that year. as for those who were unaffected by it. we sort of drifted apart.

it's weird how we got together in sec 1 and then i got separated from them when arc began and i found another group of close friends. they were my close batch of friends when i was lost and lonely in IJ, sigh.

had a great time at yf today. it was a VERY VERY small group compared to the usual. dun ask me why. anyway, cg was pretty boring. i mean..it was all serious and stuff...come to think of it. i miss amy. i haven't seen her for dunno how long already. weird. anyway. games time was like never before. it's so much more fun now. and at least we win =) kelvin is damn funny. haha. was so nervous about being the last to recieve the drawing msg and then DRAW it out. but guess what???? i got the closest to the actual thing. so we got an added 5 points. not bad eh?? as a result...we won first overall. beating the second team by 5.5 points. good rite???

somehow..i'm happy yet not happy about where i am right now. i wish i could be more open though. hmmm... yf can be both something i look forward to and something i don't exactly look forward to. i dunno.

class bbq

my bro made oreo cheese cake yest to celebrate my mum's birthday. i trusted him so much with the cake. considering the fact that it kinda succeeded the first time he made it. anyway...it looked really good and all during the making process. only after a few hours of putting in the fridge, it never hardened. so in the end the cake just FLOWED down into a messy plop on the tray. so much for a cake. but it's ok. i still love my brother. he rocks. haha. my nicest family member that ever really existed anyway.

anyway, manda ang, gen, mich law, dalvin and i gathered in the morn to prepare for bbq tonite. we had a fun time shopping for all the stuff. my class bbq is pathetic. we bought only like chicken wings, hotdogs, crabmeat and corn. ya.

manda obviously has bad maths calculation/estimation skills. she bought like 70 over chicken wings, 100 hotdogs etc. i told her it was too much. haha. but she didn't believe. ah wellz. it was tiring carrying all that rubbish back to gen's house. where we kinda slacked and played at her com. sorry gen. mich law does weird things online. trust me. you dun wanna know. i regret letting her introduce things to us. oh man.

going there was tiring. considering the fact that we had like 16 bottles of drinks to carry, charcoal, food etc. with just like the 6 of us. with germ joining us at a later time. so ya. i think my arms just gotten more muscular. haha.

we took a cab down and ya. manda and i set the fire up. of cos. once again i got the dirtiest. something wrong with me. i'm like some dirt magnet or smth. we expected like most of the class, almost 3/4 of the class to turn up, but only like lesst han 20 did. haha. quite pathetic. i dunno what manda and gen did to the rest of the food. poor gen. always gena bullied by manda ang.

must say i had a great time at the bbq, being entertained by a look like a suicide case of a man's head bobbing up and down. he just swam like damn far away from shore and we thought he was dying or smth. bird kept saying he was coming back...was wondering that if he didn't come back while we were there we could always confirm whether we were right that he was commiting suicide if the papers reported a dead body floating at east coast beach. then again. it might have floated to indonesia or smth. hell. it'll reach singapore anyway. but he was safe la. that guy swam back. he wasn't any young dude. some old man with a pot belly. mut say he's damn good. but swimming at east coast ain't exactly the smartest thing to do. esp at the time where it's gonna get so dark people can barely see u.

ng came later to join us and he was like the new source of entertainment. haha. he's damn farnie. i'm starting to treasure him more and more. i dunno why. must be the sec 4 sentimental thingy sinking in. ah wellz. was lucky to have kelynn staying so close to me. i didn't even noe. so i got a lift from her and ya. i was dropped just opp my hse. good right??? THANKS KELYNN!

anyway, my com went mad so i decided to do my qt. out of the blues. i didn't feel liek doing it. but since i saw my bible and journal right in front. might as well rite? it's been weeks since i last touched it. i must admit that it was a very meaningful qt. it was on pride la. the basic that God hates pride and all..none of the verses in the bible stated there made any sense to me. maybe it's cos i was so darn sleepy in the first place anyway.

God revealed alot of things to me tonite. and ya. the reason why i've been so discontented with my life and all was due to pride. i sat down and reflected and everything just linked from pride to this and that and everything. i was just amazed. the wonders of God. haha.

church camp is coming. i wonder how it'll be like this time....any dramas??????? i definitely hope not. i love peace. haha. WORLD PEACE! oh no. looks like the spread of bimboism has hit me. someone...quarrentine me..QUiCK!

draw draw faces

i've been sitting at home, thinking, typing out agenda and all. and of cos, doing the marvelous homework that the teachers have so generously gave. honestly, i barely have time to study. hahaha. the irony. i wonder what homework is for.

i'm happy with the faces i drew. at least they'll decorate my 8 A2 prep boards. not that they bring much colour to the black boards considering the fact that they are monochrome as well. not that i dun want them to be colour, but i just can't handle colour well. hmm..i wonder if that reflects my life. haha. if i have the time, maybe some special people might just get their portraits for christmas or sumthing. heh. save money.see first la.i wonder what wilkie will say when he sees what i've done for aep. just studies. hur hur.

church camp is in i dunno how many days away. i seriously dunno how it will turn out. i'm looking forward to the re-ignition of the passion and all. i know i'm drifting away from God. something is holding me back and i'm refusing to let go. sigh.

8 hr cip!!

almost died trying to wake up this morning for CIP. bah. felt like coming up with all sorts of excuse like. oh i'm sick etc so i could sleep in. but of cos i didn't. haha.

anyway. cip was rather boring today. considering the fact that it was YMCA's jumbo sale and i was at the ladies clothes stall. which is kinda not my thing. in fact, i think the mountain of clothes in front of me was almost or if not taller than me. haha. anyway, the pile was dusty and both su hui and emily had a sneezing frenzy. poor emily. who was more allergic had watery eyes and a very very red nose at the end of the day. not to mention alot of teasing from the people at YMCA as well.

i was practically bored to shit. i mean. how entertaining is watching aunties and what nots toss and throw clothes on top of one another as if they are lohaying during the chinese new year reunion dinner. not to mention sending dustbunnies all over the place and into our tiny nostrils. the clothes were really ugly too. so auntiefied. they even have stuff from the stone age. seriously..who wears animal patter blouses??

only fascinating thing was hearing su hui being sad about how cheap branded goods such as mango tops can be sold at like 3 pieces for one dollar. i just can't be bothered. clothes. who cares about brand so long as they're comfortable??? but it is quite sad. i mean. they are trying to earn money. so how is selling things so cheaply going to get them anywhere far???

ah wellz. out of the entire thing. the thing i felt most meaningful was the prayers. it's really cool to see them commit the event to God before the thing started and then thank God after the event. i dunno. it just touched my heart even as i'm very very very very far from God currently. i must say this CIP was more meaningful than veing at sports extreme or yf where the prayers are so insignificant. ahem.

was bored the shit crap during uncle kim kah's bbq. i was like...erm..invisible there?? i just ate and ate and listened to uncle alfred tell my elder bro some advice. meanwhile. i was half eating and half putting ant flies into a plate full of other ant flies. sigh.

i'm tired.

personal statement --> the worst essay one can do

phew. i just completed my stupid personal statement. i dunno why the hell anyone needs such a thing. it's a horror i tell you. how can anyone stand blowing their own trumpet????? shouldn't we have humility??? ah well. i finally understand why i such a difficulty writing that personal statement. cos i'm so humble. haha. dunno how to blow my own trumpet =)

anyway..i doubt i can qualify. then again. God let things happen for a reason. i don't believe the coincidence of me joining arc, having a pretty nice CCA record, many leadership positions and all and this dsa starting this year. i dunno. aiya. but whatever happens, succeed or not. it's in the lord's hands =)

i'm so dead. i haven't done any homework. haha. i'm such a goner. sigh.

anyway, i've been a good mood recently. i might be due to the shopping i had with my elder bro a few days ago. haha. great fun i tell you. no. not the shopping, but being with my bro =)

we were originally supposed to go to the IT fair. but due to the large crowds and "i don't want" from the majoprity of the family. we didn;t. we ended up at certrepoint though. which is a boring place. i still like heeren =) it has great t-shirt designs. i remember the last time debby. denise and i went there we looked at designs and shops deco etc and noted them down for marketing gimmicks etc. haha. talk about being in the frame of ARC mind.

cough. anyway. my dear brother treated me to a cup or rather half a cup of whatever that coffee thing is called. honestly, i didn't hint about wanting him to treat me. i was just trying to tell him what a pathetic life i lead. but it's ok. cos his wrong turned out good for me =) yay.

we sat there for quite some time chit chatting about the decor and well...some other stuff. haha. secret secret **whisper whisper** then he dragged me to heeren. i still don't get why the hell so many people just love orchard road or the city area. it's jammed pack crowded. i hate crowded places. easy to get lost. hiaz. i remembered the first time i got lost in a crowd at singapore discovery centre thanks to my mum who told me to look for my dad and bro while she waited for me there but when i couldn't find them i returned to find...nobody! and they still laughed at me for crying cos i got lost. well.. THANKS.

i finally got a chance to go to fourskin, with da ge leading the way =) lucky for us, uncle john was there. meaning....DISCOUNTS! SAVE MONEY. yay. i didn't exactly like anything apart from the guy shirts. i still dun understand why the hell girls have such girly clothes. sorry. but YA. wad's with all the figure hugging and revealing clothes. yeee..i feel so naked in them. yuck. anyway, gor found me some girly stuff to get and ok. i got it la. i mean. i do need some girly clothes. but they are reserved for like special stuff. no way am i wearing them for yf or whatever. oh gosh. embarassing. firstly, i'll just die trying to step out of my house.

anyway.. we got loads of discount including 2 nice free bags. actually they are the bags they give you when u go shopping to put the stuff u bought in. but uncle john's shop has nice bags recyclable. they look like outing bags themselves. so yay =)

gor wanted to see 37 degrees again cos he wanted to decide whether or not he shud get the shirt with a cute little stick man on it. so i basically just tagged along =) i denied him the chance to buy it saying it was too cute for him, which is so true =) just as we were looking tru more shirts, he told me there was a pretty boy next to me. curious as i was..i looked. oh my gosh. i think he's julian he's brother or something. they both have the most beautifullest eyes i've ever seen. anyway. unlike what gor said in his blog...he didn;t drag me away. i walked away first in front of him and he followed .haha. loser. but seriously. that guy is cute. haha

ahem. anyway. we went for dinner at some coffeeshop in toa payoh lor 8. the food there is goooddd.. i had black pepper crab. yay! and the hot plate beancurb rocks too. i finally understand why gor gor loves the beancurb. it practically melts in your mouth =) or maybe my tongue is just so rough it breaks apart easily =S ANYWAY. i had a great dinner. HEH =))

emotionally unhealthy

past few days have been shit crapped for me and i'm stuck in this world of mine all alone. i'm currently emotionally unstable. yay.

i've been hurt the past few days and all these while, past hurts of my childhood come flooding back and it's cutting me up into a million pieces such that i feel the need th shut myself out to everyone else. yet at the same time, i think i'm going mad. in fact, i'm starting to doubt in the God i know. the God of love. does love even exist in this world??? perhaps after all these hurts i'm numbed to love. perhaps all these while of experiencing God's love has all the while been a hallucination of mine. just a source of comfort for me. but it doesn't help. i found a book in my house entitled "lord i want to be whole". it talks all about how we have hurts in our lives. how they affect us and all. and how to deal with it. but it all seems so fake to it. everything sounds so happy and all. i hate it.

i'm currently having a cold war with my entire family. yay. see. i shut them out already =) and i'm happy about it. wow. it's pretty weird. i'm currently seeing the negative sides of everything and positive side of everything. seeing people unhappy makes me happy. i'm a sadist. like i said. i'm going mad. maybe it's the current sticking my feelings inside of me and not revealing anything.

i feel like eddie in my lit book. just that i do not indulge in a stupid uncle and niece relationship thingy. gross. it's killing me having to worry about what others will think .yet i know the danger of being totally transparent.

i'm worn out. so sick and tired of everything. i'm so lost. i don't know what to do. spiritually stuck, emotionally stuck. everything. i just want to get away from everything. honestly. i need a break from arc. i'm worn out. even if i didn't do much for the year. on one hand, as the president i feel the responsibility of what is happening. yet, on the other hand my mum doesn't like the idea of me being involved. then there's the studies side. in school the teachers are constantly reminding us about our studies. and when i get home i get it from my mum as well. it's driving me mad. and thanks to my elder bro who is a chao mugger. i'm expected to scored A1s. they make it sound so easy and all. but hello???? i'm the one sitting for it. and the expectations and all are driving me nuts. nope. not helping at all. in fact. their nagging has caused me to run away from my studies. going mad going mad. my family life's a piece of shit. it has been since young anyway. i have already shut myself out since young. and my mum is forcing me back. it's pissing me off. it's driving me nuttttsssss. my social life sux too. i'm a lousy socialiser. haha. spiritually, it sux. i can't face God. i can't even trust him anymore. i doubt that he's the god that created the universe. perhaps there isn't a god at all.

basically. all aspects of my life sucks.

went to sentosa today hoping that i could let everything go. but basically. i laid there. and stared at the sky. wondering and asking God if he really was there. that he knew i existed. that he truly loved me and it wasn't all my imagination. i ended up having a stoned face. watching everyone around me have fun and all. hiaz. three good things came out of it of cos. the chance to get out of the house and get rid of my family. and get a good tan and get away from everything that's bogging me down.

hiaz. enuff. i had enuff. i seriously need help. haha. i want more coke. it's my alcohol in a non-alcoholic way =) coke rocks. so u now how i feel if i'm drinking alot alot of coke or pepsi =) --> meaning more that one can or bottle. haha. it's great psychoing yourself into thinking u get to forget everything =)

shuddup la

just shuddup.

i have enuff of you.

every day. the same old nagging. it's not helping anything

i hate you.

hi anon

well well..look who's back??? anon! LET'S WELCOME HIM/SHE/IT BACK =)

appreciate your comments and all. thanks for the model answers and advices given.really. but the idea of not knowing who u are...kinda irks the shit out of me. thanx. i've been rather constipated lately and here you come along =)

i'm sick of everything. can u imagine?? every single morning..my mum has to come remind me that it's my O level year. that i have to study. she talks as if i'm stuck in lalaland or sumthing. and she thinks it's not enough. here comes along. hey. how did cheryl do?? how did so and so do??? and she treats my extra holiday lessons as remedial lessons. wow. just what i need. i'm so sick and tired of everything dude. feel like running away. i dun even have the heart to do my quiet time. as much as i know that God will speak to me and all..hiaz. perhaps all these things in my head about "God speaking to me" is really a hallucination. something i created to comfort me and reassure me that somewhere out there in this hell lot of a world. someone loves me. i dunno. i think i'm hearing voices. cool. so now i have imaginary friends. what next?? imaginary pets?? can't be. i've gone past that stage in primary school.

yes. i'm pmsing. esp to my family. i cant wait to reach the right age and go get my own hse. who wants to come stay with me??? lalalalalaa...so many things to do. lalala.