emotionally unhealthy

past few days have been shit crapped for me and i'm stuck in this world of mine all alone. i'm currently emotionally unstable. yay.

i've been hurt the past few days and all these while, past hurts of my childhood come flooding back and it's cutting me up into a million pieces such that i feel the need th shut myself out to everyone else. yet at the same time, i think i'm going mad. in fact, i'm starting to doubt in the God i know. the God of love. does love even exist in this world??? perhaps after all these hurts i'm numbed to love. perhaps all these while of experiencing God's love has all the while been a hallucination of mine. just a source of comfort for me. but it doesn't help. i found a book in my house entitled "lord i want to be whole". it talks all about how we have hurts in our lives. how they affect us and all. and how to deal with it. but it all seems so fake to it. everything sounds so happy and all. i hate it.

i'm currently having a cold war with my entire family. yay. see. i shut them out already =) and i'm happy about it. wow. it's pretty weird. i'm currently seeing the negative sides of everything and positive side of everything. seeing people unhappy makes me happy. i'm a sadist. like i said. i'm going mad. maybe it's the current sticking my feelings inside of me and not revealing anything.

i feel like eddie in my lit book. just that i do not indulge in a stupid uncle and niece relationship thingy. gross. it's killing me having to worry about what others will think .yet i know the danger of being totally transparent.

i'm worn out. so sick and tired of everything. i'm so lost. i don't know what to do. spiritually stuck, emotionally stuck. everything. i just want to get away from everything. honestly. i need a break from arc. i'm worn out. even if i didn't do much for the year. on one hand, as the president i feel the responsibility of what is happening. yet, on the other hand my mum doesn't like the idea of me being involved. then there's the studies side. in school the teachers are constantly reminding us about our studies. and when i get home i get it from my mum as well. it's driving me mad. and thanks to my elder bro who is a chao mugger. i'm expected to scored A1s. they make it sound so easy and all. but hello???? i'm the one sitting for it. and the expectations and all are driving me nuts. nope. not helping at all. in fact. their nagging has caused me to run away from my studies. going mad going mad. my family life's a piece of shit. it has been since young anyway. i have already shut myself out since young. and my mum is forcing me back. it's pissing me off. it's driving me nuttttsssss. my social life sux too. i'm a lousy socialiser. haha. spiritually, it sux. i can't face God. i can't even trust him anymore. i doubt that he's the god that created the universe. perhaps there isn't a god at all.

basically. all aspects of my life sucks.

went to sentosa today hoping that i could let everything go. but basically. i laid there. and stared at the sky. wondering and asking God if he really was there. that he knew i existed. that he truly loved me and it wasn't all my imagination. i ended up having a stoned face. watching everyone around me have fun and all. hiaz. three good things came out of it of cos. the chance to get out of the house and get rid of my family. and get a good tan and get away from everything that's bogging me down.

hiaz. enuff. i had enuff. i seriously need help. haha. i want more coke. it's my alcohol in a non-alcoholic way =) coke rocks. so u now how i feel if i'm drinking alot alot of coke or pepsi =) --> meaning more that one can or bottle. haha. it's great psychoing yourself into thinking u get to forget everything =)