end of times

random pic. perhaps that's wad making me short =S

sat's sermon was scary. i missed almost everything except the last part. but thinking about the coming of christ is really scary and the only thing i can think of is:

"shit. i am in so deep !@#$%& crap. i'm so going to hell"

it's weird how we know that the end is coming soon and yet we don't know what to do. everyone is giving the answers of

a) evangelise
b) be a good christian
c) please God
d) spend more time with God

etc etc.

yet, all seems so superficial. the motive is all wrong. isit then, still counted? they often say that God looks at the heart, not at the results etc. but if the motive for doing all these is to get to heaven, will we succeed???

the signs of the end times are clear. some people choose to avoid facing it. but does avoiding it help to prevent it from happening??? if it does, i will avoid it too. but i know i can;t.

my mind is in a whirl. on one hand i want to give up. yet on the other, i know i'm clinging on with my dear life. after this life. will i get to heaven??? what must i do then...to be able to get to Him? to stay with Him???

yet. the only answer i can think of is so simple it almost seems impossible. it's just a four letter answer - LOVE. i didn't think of it until just now, as i was typing this entry, asking God for the answer to these questions. and it was just so simple and straightforward. why didn't i think of it???? isit really the answer? or isit just me and my imagination???? i really do not know.

i dun deserve anything because of all i've done. i've "murdered", swore, lied, stole etc. why would someone so pure, so holy, love someone so insignificant like me???? someone who so often feels not part of society or someone who feels so lousy compared to everyone and yet has no guts to show.

amy often tells us that it's not your academic results/material possessions/status that makes you who you are. rather, it's who you are in christ, as God's children, that makes us who you are. as much as i would like to believe in that, somehow i don't feel the same. it seems as if this society requires you to have all the above. i remember how great and welcomed it feels when you have good grades, status etc. but it was all just short lived. but nevertheless, it existed, and it was enough to feed my hunger for attention.

i realised that i've been living on the praises of man. and realised with surprised that i do have a few love languages. but i have expressed them not very openly.

physical touch --> i DO love hugs and all. but i'm afraid to do so cos i'm afraid that people will think i'm les or wadsoeva.

gifts - i dun mind giving you gifts to show i care. but thinking of a good and meaningful gift is so tiring. that sooner or later. i'll have nothing good to give and i dun want that to happen =(

time - i do like spending time with the ones i love. but sometimes i'm just so afraid of what they will think of me that i'd rather avoid spending time with them cos my mind gets really paranoid.

affirmation - i LOVE affirmation. it encourages me and gives me a greater sense of security and acceptance. letters from others help me to know you and myself better. yet, i do not dare express myself for fear that people might think i'm obsessed or that i'm a scary stalker.

i can't remember the last one. forgive my failing memory. all in all. i realised i'm such a loser who is so afraid of everything.

the o levels pracs are coming. i'm scared =((((