i feel like a student of confucious - i have learnt the art of confusion. ARGHZ.
i haven't blogged in a million years, and despite the busyness and the "i-know-i-should-be-studying-instead-of-blogging" mentality, i really need to get stuff off my chest.
after the parent's teachers meeting. the very little of what's left energy in my body was just sucked off by my monsterous CT. it doesn't help when you are so shy and asking u to see a teacher for consultation is already a killer and now your MONSTEROUS teacher who is say 3-4 times your size with BIG humongomous fishball eyes is demanding that you consult teachers.
i'm annoyed at how every single one thinks we have a million hours per day and keeps giving us extra lessons and all and still expect us to have consultations, finish up our tutorials, study for tests, revise what you went through the day and still study and SLEEP EARLY. not to mention we still have EEKY YUCKY PW that ms de silva says my group is not even a ME. ARGHZ. not to mention that it seems practically impossible for me to catch up with my work and yet understand the current work and do PW well and see teachers and juggle my tutorials, studying for test etc etc etc.
you say i am not putting up a fight to study and all. the thing is...i have no energy left to do so. i feel bad that i come before God with NOTHING of myself left to offer. i want to break down, fall flat and cry. everything just seems hopeless. and i seriously dun think i can get by promos. even if i do, i won't get by JC2.
even after God telling me a million of times and reassuring me that being in SA was right for me, i often question whether it truly is. how come i ended up hating school so much i wish i could just drop dead, run away, kill myself or go into total rebellion. the only thing stopping me is the knowledge that i have to glorify God. so much so that it has become such a burden for me that i feel like giving up on that too. ARGHZ ARGHZ. looking at the poly courses, i ask myself if it's really what i want and i realised that i myself am not too clear. there seems to be nothing that i'm good at. i don't know anything at all. and i dun like anything much either. what on earth am i doing here?????????????????????????????????
what oh what oh what???????????? !@#$% and i'm not scolding any vulgarities. it's just that i can't find anything to express my frustration, fear, hopelessness, fatigue etc etc. whatever...u get my point.
i REALLY REALLY want to give up and escape to a poly where things are more technical, more practical, less brain wrenching. still...perhaps the reason why i'm placed here in SA is to go tru all these shit, endure it and learn to pick myself up even during the hardest times. what mr lim said that day was right. we christians need to learn how to be tough, simply because following God isn't easy, and we're bound to be persecuted. ARGHZ. all these is killing me, taking the joy out of me. i don't know how to joke, how to laugh, how to smile, how to think positive, how to have hope etc etc....
and in all of these....the only things keeping me in SA is the people, SFC, my responsibilities. ARGHz. WHY?!?!?!?!??!!??!!??
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