why SA??

"thousand times i've failed. still ur mercy remains..."

why???

i'm still asking why God wanted me to come to SA. to go to a JC instead of a poly.

SA has given me alot of things. great friends for one, spiritual growth, encouragements. my love language. prissy, vonn, rachel, lynette, kee wei, yinxi, eunice, esther, charlene, swati, deborah...the list goes on and on. even for teachers. i've never felt so looked out for. so believed in. ms de silva, mr randy, mr koo, ms sin, ms chua, mdm lee, mr lim. thank you all.

even if i dun get through this promo. it's not your fault. and it's definitely not my PW grp ms de silva. cos my PW grp did a great job. and i've never felt so proud of them in my entire time working with them. put the blame all on me. you guys did all u could for me. all the encouragements, patience in teaching this slow learner, never failing to believe in me, encouraging me. thank you.

friends, teachers, u guys are the best teachers and classmates and school mates i've ever had. (besides my brudders.) and i know that all these words alone cannot express my deep felt thanks to u guys.

somehow i know i won't get through this time. seeing how little i have in my hands, my brains. it'll take a miracle for me to get through promos.

i often questio God if SAJC was the right place for me. regardless of how unsuitable the entire system was for me. yet, at the same time i know that everything that God has given me in this school was placed here to help me carry on. simply because God knows me so well, He knows what i need. what pushes me onwards and what gives me strength. He know what will prevent me from turning back, and He places all that in place. to move forward.

to think here in SFC, i'll have seniors who went through the same thing. who can share with me the wonders that God did in their life. how like them, God will pull me through this round, no matter how impossible it seems.

God, placing me in SFC, in the exco. was all for a reason. and it's giving me a reason to stay on too. without SFC, staying on the SA is meaningless.

and once again, God told me to persevere. He told me that trials come. but persevere on and see. See what comes out of it in the end. yet, time and time again, it sounds so cliche, so impossible. but i can't help but fall flat on my face, crying "GET ME OUT OF THIS SITUATION" "LET ME GO". i remember once when i felt so miserable i wanted to break down right in the middle of the road. and then i felt God asking me if i really wanted to get out. He told me He was willing to let me go. simply because it pained Him to see me feel so hurt and hopeless, so down and out. and because of that, i wanted to stay. i owe Him too much. and because of that love. i wanted to stay and give what i could give.

often than not, they last for only a short while. and then they die off. and i get down again.

as i sat in the library studying organic chem for the gazillionth time and i thought i finally mastered it. i took out my TYS and tried to do the very first MCQ question. and i realised i couldn't. i tried the second and i couldn't. i felt so down, so demoralised. and then i heard in a gentle voice. so loving, so supportive. and it said "don't give up gloria. don't give up. i'm here with u. let's go through this together." it didn't come once. or twice. because everytime i wanted to give up again. it said "i'm here with u. i'm doing it with u. u can do it." it gave me a strange sort of strength to carry on. hope when all seemed hopeless.

that very same day, even though i've been so far away from Him. He called me back. and He brought out this oh so familiar story, on the shepherd and the lost sheep. my qt wasn't meant to be on that section, but because i misread the list of verses, i ended up there. reading what God wanted to say to me. "He sought me. when i was so unworthy...." and i finally understood that song, felt that song. "i love u gloria. regardless of what u cannot do." and i remembered once again, the words He said through a pastor's mouth. He said "Gloria, you're special to me. I see how you love me and want to serve me. but u're special. i don't need u to serve me, because u're special to me" that was what He told me in the beginning of the year. when i felt so strongly about what God wanted to do in SA through me. but it all died down..it all died down...and i let Him down once again, but still...He loves me all the same.

here i state, with as little as i have in my hands, my "not-even-5-loaves-and-2-fishes" but rather, just breadcrumbs. i give it to Him and say. Do a miracle today. u decide my future.

people. if i get through my promos. it's not me. it's God. regardless of whether or not i just scrap tru. cos i know, with what i have...it's even below getting UUUUUUUUUUUUUU for all my subjects.