i've been going through some sort of emotional roller coaster up and down and up and down it's driving me crazy. This is why i'm staying in the states for the next few years to adjust and change and start anew. to be where no one really knows me or my past, to at least try and experiment and not worry about reactions and all that.
When chrystal commented that i was a closed book, it made me reflect and wonder. I have so many insecurities within me that makes me put on masks of all sorts that even i wonder who i really am and what is truly me. Perhaps i'm not a closed book or a book that is hard to read. maybe my book is full of jumbled up letters that no one, including myself can read, cos the author herself can't make it out herself. I see others and I wish within me that i could be someone else. I want to change, but i dunno where to start and how to do it. so i stay the same.
i wonder whether it was the right decision to go to art school, one overseas at that. I'm happy that it is a form of escape, to start anew, to escape from all things bad like family and its events and dramas. I feel more like a stranger among them, unable to express myself, having to put up a false front and all that jazz. it's like broadway, but with no chance for mistakes and NGs. it's a live telecast show. yet on the other hand, you can't help but face with the siblings' jealousy of being overseas, the constant guilt and burden from the financial issues. you know you can't turn back and say i quit. and to top it off the emotional rollercoaster, i'm faced with the onslaught of the awkwardness of puberty of my brain and i suddenly realised certain stuff and the world around me. i feel stupid asking my friends such questions. questions that they had asked in lower sec. why am i so retarded???
anyhows. time to return draws nearer. and sadly, i received the news from jill herself that she is not returning to scad. i have no idea what is going to happen to the dorm. will it just be nicole and i or rather, mainly just me since nicole is hardly in the room anyway. at least i dun have to worry about blender noises in the morning when i dun have classes at 8, nor do i have anyone to make me feel competitive, i can work at my own pace, even late into the night cos jill used to sleep so early. still. it's gonna be weird not having her around after all these while. I'm more afraid of the new roommate shud i get one :S ho hum....life will be interesting.
When chrystal commented that i was a closed book, it made me reflect and wonder. I have so many insecurities within me that makes me put on masks of all sorts that even i wonder who i really am and what is truly me. Perhaps i'm not a closed book or a book that is hard to read. maybe my book is full of jumbled up letters that no one, including myself can read, cos the author herself can't make it out herself. I see others and I wish within me that i could be someone else. I want to change, but i dunno where to start and how to do it. so i stay the same.
i wonder whether it was the right decision to go to art school, one overseas at that. I'm happy that it is a form of escape, to start anew, to escape from all things bad like family and its events and dramas. I feel more like a stranger among them, unable to express myself, having to put up a false front and all that jazz. it's like broadway, but with no chance for mistakes and NGs. it's a live telecast show. yet on the other hand, you can't help but face with the siblings' jealousy of being overseas, the constant guilt and burden from the financial issues. you know you can't turn back and say i quit. and to top it off the emotional rollercoaster, i'm faced with the onslaught of the awkwardness of puberty of my brain and i suddenly realised certain stuff and the world around me. i feel stupid asking my friends such questions. questions that they had asked in lower sec. why am i so retarded???
anyhows. time to return draws nearer. and sadly, i received the news from jill herself that she is not returning to scad. i have no idea what is going to happen to the dorm. will it just be nicole and i or rather, mainly just me since nicole is hardly in the room anyway. at least i dun have to worry about blender noises in the morning when i dun have classes at 8, nor do i have anyone to make me feel competitive, i can work at my own pace, even late into the night cos jill used to sleep so early. still. it's gonna be weird not having her around after all these while. I'm more afraid of the new roommate shud i get one :S ho hum....life will be interesting.
on a happier note, caught snow white and the seven dwarfs with sarah on saturday before cg. it wasn't mind blowing fantastic. i guess it's also cos after watching those on broadway...singapore productions are really...local stuff. with your typical jokes on MM, SM and all that...and of course, the sexual innuendos.
still, it felt good watching a production :) makes me think about the past training at lasalle with nicole stinton. makes me want to turn to minoring in theatre once again. I AM SUCH A FICKLE IDIOT. hahaha. i'll just take theatre as an elective and then decide. lol.
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