why is everyone dying now??????

ok. not everyone. but it's quite upsetting to see friends lose their parents. two within the month of January. it's super sad because they're either my age or slightly older and it's just shocking or unthinkable for one to lose a parent or someone dear so young. I have been in that sense, a very very fortunate girl to not lose anyone to mr grim reaper by far. I say "by far" not because i expect any of you to drop dead anytime soon, but rather, because i know death is inevitable.

but then again...death has always been inevitable and it's been happening since I was born...or rather...way before I was born. I pointed out to my roommate during lunch today that perhaps the reason why everyone appears to be dropping dead like flies is simply because we are now more aware of people who have made impact and we've also reached that age where these impactful people are now older. when michael jackson first died...along with the slew of other famous individuals unknown to me but known to a million other people who mourned their deaths, I simply just thought that it was recruiting season in heaven. then again..deaths occur daily just like births. perhaps it's just a transaction. perhaps heaven has a population quota it has to keep. As i sat there eating my lunch thinking about michael jackson's death, i sat there thinking and amusing myself with the thought that perhaps michael jackson was God's plan as an evangelistic tool. of course not that his pedophiliac acts were anything heaven-entrance worthy, but rather since he was such a star, perhaps more non-christians would accept Christ just to be in Heaven to worship and sing ALONGSIDE michael jackson and be of equal status in heaven. THAT of course, is based on the assumption that michael jackson, along with elvis and the beatles and whatever noteworthy people, are up there with the big man. then again. they probably can't be king of pop/rock/whatever they were pro for up there in heaven cos only God can be king...the term queen would be very gay and possibly wrong in Heaven considering how it's wrong to be transgendered anyway. maybe they'll just be jokers.

mahahahahahaha

i am so not funny -____-

i wish i were as cool as Barney Stinson in How I Met your Mother..though less...playboy-ish. then again... that might not be so bad after all. lol. or i wish i could be as cool and funny as flight as the conchords. they are hilarious. it's a good thing motion graphics require me to look at things more dynamic and entertaining than the flat graphic designs where less is involved and it gets so boring after awhile. WHAT ON EARTH MAKES A BLOODY GOOD DESIGN??? I'll never know. I just know what's nice and not.

As I grumped all over Savannah cracking (literally cracking) my head to think of ideas and concepts for the new bunch of projects, I realised with a horror that I have been only and merely a page decorator and NOT a graphic designer. I can't doodle and produce magically amazing things like most people can. it takes me FOREVER to come up with an idea and execute a mind-blowing piece. this is quite upsetting.

and then on my way home from the library after ponning class because I had nothing to show for a work day other than a creative block, I realised how thinking so hard for my classes really does split my head and gives me a horrible head throbbing headache. well..now I know I do have a brain and I can use it...just not very effectively. or maybe the pain is just a sign that I should not be using it. After all, Ive been told time and time again by my current professor to just follow my intuition. WHICH IS A PAIN IN THE BUTT BECAUSE I HATE SUCH VAGUENESS. I realised with a sense of horror that I have just signed up for one of the hardest professions ever. Unlike being an accountant, there's no right or wrong. you either make it or you don't. which kinda sucks. oh wait wrong. it sucks.

sometimes when I find myself in such a rut, I lie in bed and wonder if I've made the right decision or not in going to art school and throwing away tons of money. and then because that cannot happen, i toss it out of my head and flip myself into dreamland. it's a good thing my brain doesn't quite hold thoughts for a very long time.