.

:(
















it says it all doesn't it?

why????????????????? get me outta here

i feel like a student of confucious - i have learnt the art of confusion. ARGHZ.

i haven't blogged in a million years, and despite the busyness and the "i-know-i-should-be-studying-instead-of-blogging" mentality, i really need to get stuff off my chest.

after the parent's teachers meeting. the very little of what's left energy in my body was just sucked off by my monsterous CT. it doesn't help when you are so shy and asking u to see a teacher for consultation is already a killer and now your MONSTEROUS teacher who is say 3-4 times your size with BIG humongomous fishball eyes is demanding that you consult teachers.

i'm annoyed at how every single one thinks we have a million hours per day and keeps giving us extra lessons and all and still expect us to have consultations, finish up our tutorials, study for tests, revise what you went through the day and still study and SLEEP EARLY. not to mention we still have EEKY YUCKY PW that ms de silva says my group is not even a ME. ARGHZ. not to mention that it seems practically impossible for me to catch up with my work and yet understand the current work and do PW well and see teachers and juggle my tutorials, studying for test etc etc etc.

you say i am not putting up a fight to study and all. the thing is...i have no energy left to do so. i feel bad that i come before God with NOTHING of myself left to offer. i want to break down, fall flat and cry. everything just seems hopeless. and i seriously dun think i can get by promos. even if i do, i won't get by JC2.

even after God telling me a million of times and reassuring me that being in SA was right for me, i often question whether it truly is. how come i ended up hating school so much i wish i could just drop dead, run away, kill myself or go into total rebellion. the only thing stopping me is the knowledge that i have to glorify God. so much so that it has become such a burden for me that i feel like giving up on that too. ARGHZ ARGHZ. looking at the poly courses, i ask myself if it's really what i want and i realised that i myself am not too clear. there seems to be nothing that i'm good at. i don't know anything at all. and i dun like anything much either. what on earth am i doing here?????????????????????????????????

what oh what oh what???????????? !@#$% and i'm not scolding any vulgarities. it's just that i can't find anything to express my frustration, fear, hopelessness, fatigue etc etc. whatever...u get my point.

i REALLY REALLY want to give up and escape to a poly where things are more technical, more practical, less brain wrenching. still...perhaps the reason why i'm placed here in SA is to go tru all these shit, endure it and learn to pick myself up even during the hardest times. what mr lim said that day was right. we christians need to learn how to be tough, simply because following God isn't easy, and we're bound to be persecuted. ARGHZ. all these is killing me, taking the joy out of me. i don't know how to joke, how to laugh, how to smile, how to think positive, how to have hope etc etc....

and in all of these....the only things keeping me in SA is the people, SFC, my responsibilities. ARGHz. WHY?!?!?!?!??!!??!!??

new layout - the road less travelled

The Road Less Travelled...

is my new layout =)

haha. i think this was the longest amount of time i've taken to finish one layout. i think it's cos i had completely no idea how it was supposed to look like. haha. actually the original idea came to me as "you can't follow the yellow brick road to find Jesus" but then today i was reminded of this QT which i had quite some time ago, and thus the verse from Matthew 7:13-14. if you can't read it, it says: "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

i hope this layout will be a constant reminder to me that all my trials and hardships are just a confirmation that i'm on the right track.

don't mind the roughly same pattern of my layouts. i'm too lazy to re-write the codes. so i usually just copy and paste and change some stuff here and there. heh heh =) it's pretty dull...so i'll prob end up getting sick of it pretty soon, perhaps after all my rubbish i'll do a new layout....so what comes first la.... =D

FOP

thank God i didn't go through all that boot camp for nothing. yep. i'm in for Thailand trip for OCIP =) it may not be a mission trip, but i can still go there with the correct heart and attitude and i can still gain from it =) i'm still sad though, that i can't go for the MOB trip. it's annoying how things are - when u can go, you don't want to go, and when u can't go, you want to go. ARGHZ. got a family holiday then and my mum thinks i'm jumping into too many things at one go she's afraid i'm gonna drown in all that work. just because i'm short i can't handle so many things. which is true. hahaha. i tend to allow such things to sweep me and drown me. to be honest, i'm quite scared that i won't be able to be promoted. esp with my current results. YIKES.

i'm really thankful for SFC. my QT hasn't been really fruitful and i don't know, at first i thought that it was all ok and normal cos we do have our highs and lows. but it turned out that it was really my fault and i just felt that God was throwing me questions to reflect on. even as Shirley and Mark spoke during SFC min time on friday, question after question kept coming to me. in a way it brought me to a self realisation, and it brought me to reflect, gave me a passion to seek God, it's amazing and i;m really thankful to God for always being the one who seeks me first =)

i sold my rapture tickets to go for FOP. i wasn't really sure that i wanted to really sell them, but i wanted to put God first and see what happens. so i did. and when i was there, i knew without a doubt, that i did the right thing. i did not regret my decision at all. it's been a really long time since i've really been able to lose myself in worship. i really tried hard for the past few months, yet, there are always restrictions.

it really felt good to be able to express my joy and freedom. i finally see the importance of lifting your hands to God. Don Moen was really good. i love how God has blesses him with this gift of worship and his songs really helped to quieten myself, to really connect with God, to meditate on the words and mean it from the bottom of my heart when i sang it.

i'm still amazed at how God managed to capture me and win me over. sorry to those who intend to buy me, because i'm sold out. (then again, i'm priceless =) )

Sold to Jesus =)

OCIP CAMP

oh man. i just realised that i haven't bloged in one week!!!

i can't believe it. that is superbly abnormal for me. then again, the past week has been a mad week and i'm super tired, drained and all. Still, God has been good and in the midst of all that almost giving up JC to poly at the end of this year feelings were all removed because of what God told me during the week.

i was really irritated at school and i honestly have never detested school so much in my entire life. the only thing that i couldn't bear to leave was the strong christian atmosphere in school, the morning worship and all that fellowship and love that i experienced in SFC. i really felt like crap and there was one day in the entire week that i kept crying out to God to get me out of it. i kept asking Him if it were real that His plans were really for me to be in SA. and guess what i felt the Holy Spirit saying to me??

it might be my imagination or smth, but at that point of time, as i crossed the road, i felt God telling me that being in SA was truly part of His plan. BUT, he doesn't want me to be so unhappy where i am, and He was willing to let me go to poly where i think i may be happier. i was so touched by that. at that point of time i finally managed to feel God's love. His great love for me such that He was willing to let me go the way i want. i was really thankful to God for showing me His love, yet at the same time, i knew God's plans for me are always the best for me, and i decided to hang in there because i know, He has something in stored for me. though i was more or less no longer falling off that edge of the cliff, i still wasn't very firm. the next day during my QT, God spoke again, and this time, He told me not to give up. to press on. and the one thing that hit me was this sentence: "Don't give up, because God never gave up on you." isn't that amazing? all the things i've done in my entire life is enough to make anyone hate me, especially if i unleash al my anger and hatred and rebellion all at one go (which i haven;t done). yet, no matter what i've done in my life, God never gave up on me, and He continued to seek me and stay by my side. you know...there's this song that has this part: "nothing you can do, could make Him love you more, and nothing that you've done, could make Him close the door..." i never really understood what that meant until that day. the reason why there's nothing that could make God love us more is because He has ALREADY loved us so much, that there's nothing left to make it more. to summarise, the amount of love has already reached the maximum limit. =)
_______________________

stepping down ceremony took place today. i'm really sad to see the J2s leave. SFC will be so much quieter withot them. no more fellow shortie vonn, no more funny and handsome caleb and chaos, no more caring and loving prissy, no more teddy bear owner huiru, no more nicola as cell grp leader, and so many many many more............................boooo.....

i'm so sad that i couldn;t stay behind to take photos with the seniors because i had to rush off for OCIP camp. =((((((

OCIP camp was a boot camp. i never felt so tortured both physically and mentally before.

i knew i should have followed that gut feeling of mine (may be from God, not sure) and not submit the OCIP registration form. URGHZ. i paid for it now by going for the stupid boot camp.

we got scolding for almost every single thing we did. right from the beginning of the camp. while waiting for the organisers of the camp to start, naturally us campers would be talking to one another to know our group members better and all. but we got scolded for that. i mean, it's not as though we were talking while u were talking, nor were u waiting for us because u guys were doing your own things!!! oh man.

basically, we got scolded for alot of things. even things that were so ridiculous both su hui and i really wanted to leave the camp. i didn't see a point in staying for the camp or even going for the OCIP trip if all the seniors themselves showed no love/compassion or whatever human feelings.

we had to pick beans once again, just that we were given a selected amount of different types of beans to pick from the grass patch with only 2 miserable torch lights for oe group of 13 people. they scolded us for being inefficient and not being together as a group. my group was given 50 barley seeds and 100 red beans, which were then doubled because of our incompetency and inefficiency and lack of urgency. -___- they kept scolding us and scolding us. i never felt so put down in my entire life. i don't know, but how else can you increase your efficiency when all u have us just 2 torches, cannot spit up and not allowed to trade/exchange with one another's groups (other groups had to find other beans)? my group managed to gather 100 barley seeds, and 107 red beans. 93 red beans away. they said it was better than the rest, but could be done even better. URGHZ. and we were punished with more pumping.

at the end of the day, my arms were like jello, considering how i had to do 75 push-ups and one shot followed by more pumping which added up to more than 100 over push-ups all in less than half a day =(

i was actually surprised that they allowed us to sleep. su hui and i are really close man. we even woke up at the same time because we needed to pee and we nearly got a scolding from the seniors for not sleeping. thank goodness we managed to explain to them because they were already on the verge on not giving us a chance to explain ourselves. i wasn't really able to sleep, as i laid there on the floor thinking about what i've been through for the day and i really missed SFC. there was just such a great difference in the way God's family worked and how the world worked. in SFC, they cared about us and made sure we were ok, but in the OCIP camp all they cared about was getting the task done. =( i really wanted to cry thinking about SFC.

anyway, i was totally wrong about the being able to sleep because they woke us up at 2 am banging on the doors like mad people and screaming fire drill. they pumped us even more because some of us forgot to bring down our 1.5 litres bottle and our egg (we were given an egg to take care of -___-) and our identities. who will remember to take all these when there's really a fire???? in nursery and primary school, we were taught to just run for your life and not care about your belongings when there's a fire!!! anyway, we got sent back to our rooms to sleep -___- you might as well keep us awake. anyway, we were awoken again to the same fire drill at about 4 am i think. and this time they sent us back to the room to pack our bags and all for a night trek. we walked from potong pasir to bishan park whereby along the way, we had activities to do, such as a crab walk, counting the trees in that area (which amounted to 71), and broken telephone. it was more of a jog rather, simply because the leading had to be such a pain by walking so fast. not to forget we had to protect our eggs -___- we walked till the sun rose at 6/7 plus??? and got to eat breakfast after that.

the station games were finally fun, and our station masters were pretty nice, compared to the core camp comm. of course, the fun was short lived and we had to clean the cafe. they kept shouting at us non-stop, screaming at us to scrub harder until the cafe looked as clean as when we first stepped onto the campus. the screamed at us for not scrubbing the table till it was spotless. we even had to remove black stains which were already in the table and impossible to remove. so long as the table didn't look new, we were screamed at. they screamed at us for not giving a helping hand to those scrubbing the floor when we were given insufficient mops and brushes for the floor. my GL was nice. He told me i was going a good job and if i really couldn;t get the stains off, i could just leave it. i continued scrubbing another table and next thing i know, another j2 screamed at me to get that previous stained scrubbed off. arghz. they just screamed at us for every single reason they could find.

after all that physical work and all of us were so tired, we were made to run an endurance run. AHHHHHHHH. yes. for someone like me who does no physical exercise, has never joined a sports CCA for a reason and tries to keep PE as slack as possible, i seriously knew i wasnt able to make it through. i'm thankful though, for Suhui, my group members, and especially jia hui and rachel for running with me and giving me the strength to carry on. it was because of those 2 that all 3 of us managed to finish the endurance run. many thanks to Eliza as well, for holding on to me as we had to increase our pace to catch up with the group just so we could stop running. without her, i might have just collaspe and died and given up running just at the last lap.

i'm proud to say, that at the end of the camp, my egg didn't break until lunch(we were supposed to cook it), i didn't forget to bring anything, i survived all that pumping, and i completed the endurance run =))))) all glory goes to God, for giving me strength, and the group members and friends that kept me going. =)

and now...i'm aching all over.