i'm crushed by my results. grinded to powder.

i don't know. it's prelims already and despite working my ass off...what do i get??? i'm getting below 50 percent for goodness sake. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!? i wish i could culture brain cells or smth. it seems so unfair. why are other people so smart? why am i like stuck in the middle of nowhere? if i was created to be stupid why can't i be FULLY stupid? at least i'd have the excuse of failing.

i don't know...i kinda expected such lousy results after the papers, but it still hurts deeply. feels like all hopes of even making it anywhere is dashed. even laselle's degrees and certs are lost, the ministry intends to stop the degree programs at laselle. WHERE DO YOU INTEND TO SEND ME GOD?!?!??! DO YOU WANT ME TO BE A RUBBISH COLLECTER???? IS THIS WHY YOU ALLOW ME TO FIND DELIGHT IN DOING MUNDANE TASKS?!??!?! WHERE IS YOUR COMFORT????

it's hard being a christian in a christian school. it's harder being a christian in SFC in school, it's even harder being an exco SFC member in school. but it's hardest when your friends and teachers around you think you are running the race for God strong. esp when they are non-christians. i find myself going through the routine, giving model answers when i myself am skeptical of what i'm saying. i wish i could lash out and scream at the airy fairy answers. i wish i could just not care about the whole Shine for Christ and belt out vulgarities to release my frustrations. yet, i know...i'm going to regret it if i ever did it.

i'm having so many different voices in my head. there's the weak "give up" taunt, the bully in my head that's just mocking me for the hope i placed in God, convincing me that He is merely a figment of my imagination, "just give up..you'll never make it" voice. and then there's the other camp of "remember God's promises, remember how He has brought you through all the other examinations" voice, there's the "be strong! you can't give up. you've already come this far" and there's also the " you can do it, i know you can" voice, "STAND UP AND HAVE A BACKBONE. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. NO ONE IS GOING TO PITY YOU EVEN IF YOU FAIL". each voice is taking turns and it's driving me insane. i can't barely hear my thoughts or differentiate which is my own voiceand which are merely figments of my imagination or influences from tv series. ARGHZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

i'm jealous of the people who help me so often in my studies. Angry at the very fact that they complain about insecurities, not having studied, prediction of bad results....but yet they come back with As, being among the top of the class. WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!??!?! it's come to a point where words of encouragement from them no longer stands. where you can't help but be skeptical because you know at the end of the day they'll still score better than you.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHZZZZZZ.
SHOOOOT ME SOMEBODY.