applications are over! FULL STOP.

took the adm faculty test today and i seriously doubt i will get in. hahaha. well..at least the questions they asked were kinda alright...my answers suck though. it's scary how you work and work and work and then you realise that all that you thought you'd do isn't exactly what you were made to do. like the only reason why i'm thinking of doing art is because people tell me i can do it..and it seems like the case. Sadly...i can't do it fantastically well either. :S SAD

After reading Jodi Picoult's Keeping Faith it really kept my thinking about what i believed in. I started asking questions and it made me think through my own faith. I was really looking at things from the perspective of a free thinker. While i don't doubt the existance of God (Hey. you must be blind to miss out that all creation must be created by someone)..i wonder whether perhaps the God i've been believing may not exactly be the same God who created the universe. What if all we knew all these while was a big fat lie? Like maybe we're just trying to give ourselves a purpose to our lives so we have some reason and motivation to life? Who is God really? If He is a God who has been so loving..why did He send His one and only son to die for us? any parent would instinctively protect their kid. why would God love us so much to the extent where he is willing to kill his son for our sake? it's like allowing my kid to die in place for his friend. like what!?!? if God knows everything past present future and He knew that Jesus would rise again from the dead...then is it still considered a valid sacrifice?

isn't it scary to wonder if all your life you've believed in the wrong thing, made the wrong choice and you never knew until you come to the end of everything? what will your life mean if it has been built on the wrong knowledge? will it all come to nothing?

why do we need faith to believe in God? why can't God be like our parents, where it is second nature to just trust in Him? why do they say He can give us comfort in times of hurt and need when we can't hear him, see him or touch him? what about the times where we are in desperate need of a hug or just knowing and feeling him by our sides?

oh..many many God questions...i just want to have him be more real in my life. to know him because i know him for who he really is..not because i learn about him