tgif

yay. its finally friday. tgif =)

i love fridays. it marks the end of the week and the beginning of the weekends =) loveliness

my cell in SFC is so big. it seems like the entire SFC JC1 population is in my cell =S it's so big it's hard to hear one another. yep. it's THAT bad. i'm not sure if it'll stay that way, but i hope changes will be made. if not the other JC1s in the other groups will be well...alone after the j2s leave.

thanksgiving was good, and we got to remember and relive the life concert. what we're thankful of and how God worked. indeed life concert was something that impacted my walk with God. without it..i think i'll be in depression right now. i hope those suicidal thoughts will never return.

anyway. i think it's so exciting thinking that God says it;s only the beginning of the revival. can u imagine? if such amazing things has happen already...can u imagine what else can happen??? it'll be cool if we can reach out and impact the entire nation =) way cool =)

i feel to lazy to study...lalallaa

By faith. not by sight

"Mister God, where are you?" that was what i asked God yesterday. and today, He replied. "I'm here beside you. all the time. watching you quietly."

i was disappointed and lost without God the past few days. having QTs that were just like caleb's --> quantity and not quality. i wondered if i lost God or smth.

well, this morning at morning worship, God reassured me. The song we sang spoke clearly. I was reminded of all the things God did for me, and i believed that wherever He was, i'll find Him again =)

i had thought things were for the better...until maths tutorial. we got back our test. the one on inequality. i think i gotten the last in class. i failed. such a simple test. yet i failed. i had studied, practiced my maths, re-do my tutorial to ensure i knew my stuff. YET i failed. i didnt even make the "you still can make it" mark set by mdm ang. all around me, there were people whining aloud about the number of careless mistakes they made. how they could have gotten 8 out of 10 or even full marks. and i felt all the more worse. i wondered what was the point of studying and practising when even after doing so, i still screw up and fail. i found everything that i did meaningless. saw myself as useless. i wanted to cry. to tear my paper into pieces, run out of class, out of school. and kill myself. throughout the entire maths lesson, i felt miserable. in my head....i only had suicidal thoughts. the only thing that held me back was God. it was the only thing i had to hold on to.

the thoughts slowly disappeared, especially after PE and all.

i got back my GP essay. i thought i would have flunked it or smth. get like the lowest in class once again or smth. my essays were never strong. my language never powderful. i knew my essay just sucked. i caught a glimpse of my name written on ms sin's paper and i was worried sick. i was wondering if i had done really badly such that she wanted to see me or smth. i was of course shocked to find that i had the highest score among my peers for the question i did. i don't know what ms sin saw in my essay, but i was shocked.

it all didn't occur to me until i reached home to do my QT.

God finally explained everything to me. all that "unfruitful" QT and worship sessions. He was trying to teach me to walk by faith and not by sight. that was why He "disappeared". i realised how little i knew Him or even trust in Him. how i panicked when He was gone just goes to show that i do not know Him well enough to trust that He'll never forsake me. in a way. i felt both ashamed and happy at the same time. ashamed because of how i had doubted God. yet happy to know that God had never left me, and that He's still there for me.

i saw that my academics didn't matter. not that i should start failing everything, but that i should do my best to glorify His name. i had expected to do well for the maths test based on my own efforts. come to think of it, i'll probably claim all the credit, thinking that the reason why i did well was due to how i studied and worked. GP essay on the other hand, i tried my best and just gave it to God, cos i knew that no matter what, only a miracle can make me score a high grade. and a miracle it was.

now i know. God is with me. By faith. not my sight =)

=(

i'm in a bad mood. sheesh. hear me rant..

i've been in a bad mood lately, and everything that happens, i take it in a way that it is working against me. gee...am i optimistic.

for one - it seems that the friendships i'm having in school aren't real. they aren't the in-depth one, where true friendship exists. i find myself doubting whether we are friends, when i find myself jealous over them, disgusted by their behaviour, or simply find that i just don';t belong in the group. i feel so lost.

secondly, i don't see myself going very far staying in a JC. important subjects like project work and general paper are like the worst subjects. i hate it and have simply no interest whatsoever to do it. i just don't see a point in it. RAGH. and it's annoying that everyone seems to get the bestest grades....EXCEPT you. joy =

and lastly, but most importantly, i think i'm lost. i thought all my problems would be diminished in the presence of God. It will. problem is. where's God? unlike the seniors who say they are playing hide and seek with God, i on the other hand feel that i have wandered away from the narrow and right path, to one that is broad. i feel trapped in darkness, unsure of what is to come. i see nothing in front of me. nothing at all. and there seems to be no future.

i still do my quiet times. but now they really are quiet. all i hear is silence. and i hate it. where is that loving and comforting voice i once knew? where has it gone???? i'm falling apart without u. i know u're still there cos u're the everlasting God. i know u're watching me from u are. but...where are u???????

perhaps this silence is to relight the hunger for Him within me. perhaps this is just a test to see how faithful and trusting i am in Him. i don't know. but at least i know for sure right now. my life is worthless without Him. God...pick me up before i;m unsavable and dead in the clutches of Satan. yes. it's that serious.

Dear Mister God. if you can hear me. please answer me. please. Love Gloria

What people think of me

we did some "what your friends think of you" exercise in ME class today. haha. i love ME classes. it's STRESS FREE and it's a chance for u to be motivated and encouraged. hhahaa. it's fun reading what people write about u. of course, since we don't really know each other well enough yet, all our comments are well..naturally....superficial. nonetheless, it was fun reading it. all that comments on how i rock, am cute, am cool, should join drama etc is nonetheless encouraging still and makes my day a little happier on a sad and gloomy monday where everyone seems to have the blues. minus keewei of course...who was mad today. haha...

meanwhile, while my brain recovers from the horrible mugging of bio test (to my great delight was MCQ and not essay test, but to my great dismay i think i still managed to screw it up), i have to get it started up for antony and cleopatra. it's weird how the exact same teacher can make u feel happy and encouraged and yet depressedly stressed at the same time. thanks dr chua! haha. i still love her. she's a really good lit teacher. thank God =)

tough life, yet God is there

ahaha. congrats yvonne. you made your way to my blog =)))

blah. my flashboard still doesnt work. darn it. ah wellz.

JC life is TOUGH. so many times i feel like giving up and i wonder why on earth did i stupidly place SAJC as my first choice and not nanyang poly. (it's not that i hate SA or anything. i love it. i just hate the education system) i end up cussing and swearing in my heart, and it is so discouraging when u study and still screw up ur tests and all due to nerves. a problem i seriously need to overcome.

yet, God is often there to comfort me and to reassure me.

i remember how i felt so lonely that day, and i was wondering whether i had lost all my friends in this new school, wondering what i did that would cause them to be angry. i felt upset and annoyed, but it all became better in the end. that day, the QT passage was exactly on friendship and it was really reasurring to know that even if all my friends abandon me, i still have Him =) it felt as if that passage was there specially for me. heehee. i'm SPECIAL =)

somehow, everything that i've been going through, all the stuff that God has been teaching me seems to be leading me somewhere. where that is i have completely no idea. in a way, it is both exciting and scary. i haven't gotten baptised though. but i know for sure i'm never turning back and i'm following Him down the difficult and narrow path. but it's worth it. no turning back....no turning back =)

i want to continue growing in Him, to know him better and all. and to really live a life solely for Him. and to know, that when i sing songs that say i solely live for Him, i truly mean it and live it out.

today's QT's right. to live is Christ and to die is gain. =) both ways...i gain. nananeepoopoo.

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randomness...
i believe i;m getting OLD....i'm having an acheing back...bah...might be the carrying of my bag. or the continuus slouching in class and lecture theatre. oh no....i'm old.......... =(((