By faith. not by sight

"Mister God, where are you?" that was what i asked God yesterday. and today, He replied. "I'm here beside you. all the time. watching you quietly."

i was disappointed and lost without God the past few days. having QTs that were just like caleb's --> quantity and not quality. i wondered if i lost God or smth.

well, this morning at morning worship, God reassured me. The song we sang spoke clearly. I was reminded of all the things God did for me, and i believed that wherever He was, i'll find Him again =)

i had thought things were for the better...until maths tutorial. we got back our test. the one on inequality. i think i gotten the last in class. i failed. such a simple test. yet i failed. i had studied, practiced my maths, re-do my tutorial to ensure i knew my stuff. YET i failed. i didnt even make the "you still can make it" mark set by mdm ang. all around me, there were people whining aloud about the number of careless mistakes they made. how they could have gotten 8 out of 10 or even full marks. and i felt all the more worse. i wondered what was the point of studying and practising when even after doing so, i still screw up and fail. i found everything that i did meaningless. saw myself as useless. i wanted to cry. to tear my paper into pieces, run out of class, out of school. and kill myself. throughout the entire maths lesson, i felt miserable. in my head....i only had suicidal thoughts. the only thing that held me back was God. it was the only thing i had to hold on to.

the thoughts slowly disappeared, especially after PE and all.

i got back my GP essay. i thought i would have flunked it or smth. get like the lowest in class once again or smth. my essays were never strong. my language never powderful. i knew my essay just sucked. i caught a glimpse of my name written on ms sin's paper and i was worried sick. i was wondering if i had done really badly such that she wanted to see me or smth. i was of course shocked to find that i had the highest score among my peers for the question i did. i don't know what ms sin saw in my essay, but i was shocked.

it all didn't occur to me until i reached home to do my QT.

God finally explained everything to me. all that "unfruitful" QT and worship sessions. He was trying to teach me to walk by faith and not by sight. that was why He "disappeared". i realised how little i knew Him or even trust in Him. how i panicked when He was gone just goes to show that i do not know Him well enough to trust that He'll never forsake me. in a way. i felt both ashamed and happy at the same time. ashamed because of how i had doubted God. yet happy to know that God had never left me, and that He's still there for me.

i saw that my academics didn't matter. not that i should start failing everything, but that i should do my best to glorify His name. i had expected to do well for the maths test based on my own efforts. come to think of it, i'll probably claim all the credit, thinking that the reason why i did well was due to how i studied and worked. GP essay on the other hand, i tried my best and just gave it to God, cos i knew that no matter what, only a miracle can make me score a high grade. and a miracle it was.

now i know. God is with me. By faith. not my sight =)