damn it. just when i got over my sadness plus loneliness my dad just had to start it all over again.
was on the comp when he shouted "gloria!!!i'm going to kill you!" in a damn angry voice. i wondered what i did wrong this time. i went over to the room and there dad was pointing to the eraser dust on his bed. jonathan owned up and said he was the one. like hello?? doesn't mean that someone drawing in the hse means it's me right?!?!?! dad then yelled at me and blamed me for being the elder sis it was my responsibility to teach him and correct him. like what the hell! like you're the father and u're blaming me????? what the shit. and you didn't even scold him or say you're sorry?!?!?!!
sometimes i wonder if i'm created wrongly or smth. i have no purpose in this world damn it! you tell me who the fuck's life have i ever made a difference to? yea. a hell load of difference. negative difference damn it! i hate it i hate it i hate it. how the hell am i supposed to thank you for this Father. why???? it hurts so friggin badly. since young. it's foreva like this. even playful words and comments like "u're stupid" does hurt even if i dun show it. it cuts right deep do u know that?!?!?!
do you know that since i was young, i would cry in bed every single night, crying out to God why the hell i was created?? why the hell there wasn't anyone in the world who loved me??? do u noe how difficult it was for me to feel loved by you?!?!?! i have no one to turn to. i dunno who. no one i can look to for a hug, for a shoulder to lean on and cry..no one. i know u're always there, but sometimes i dun feel you. like now. kill me father. i dun deserve a place here. bring me to where u are. where i can be loved and feel your everlasting love. where hurt no longer exists.
i felt like i should turn away from you. because even after you heal me the same hurt comes everytime. it happens at least once a week. why???? you ask me to cry out to you. i am. my heart bleeds. if i wasn;'t made a coward i would have died years ago. i would have committed suicide when i was barely 10. i even wrote goodbye letters to my family. wrote down how i felt and all. in my old diaries the words have been smudged by my tears. do you know how many entries are there about my hurts??? it sucks father. it so does. i dun belong. all i know is my place in life is for people to hurt me. so hurt i wish to have love, yet at the same time i dun want any cos i;m afraid of the hurt that will happen once again. i shun my parents. i want to leave far far away from everyone, father. away from humans. i'd rather have animals to be my companions. i'd rather have happiness and freedom rather than silver or gold.
i was thinking if i should leave church. never ever come back so it wouldn't hurt. leaving you father. because i can't face it. everytime i get hurt, i leave you, i blame you, and you get hurt. i dun wanna do that. your family is hurting me more than they are helping me even though they are meant to be there. i don't know what i'm to do. except that i must perservere and stay strong, because u are coming for me. i know u are. and i am waiting father. i am.
it hurts. and it's building up hate.i hate this family. i hate it. bring me away.
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