I think it was a good thing I had finals to take things off my mind about housing. but now that i'm almost done with finals and able to pack, the fact that I'm no longer living here by the end of the week KILLS me. As I pack, I recall that it just seems a short while ago that I unpacked everything and started a brand new life, my first rented apartment, my first time having my own room, my own bathroom, a tv in my room, setting it up my way, decorating it, just taking in how amazing God had been in providing this place.

I can't help but tear on my insides, wishing i could rewind time back to the day I made the decision to move, against my doubts and gut feeling that things might not work out. I guess I was greedy in getting a better deal - living with a good friend, no more parties, good location, good price, more fridge space, no worries about utilities, transport, extra space including a big wardrobe where I can actually conduct stop motion animation projects for class etc. All at a slightly cheaper price of what I will be paying. Ironically, it was the price and the amount of money I could save on living expenses and rent that made me decide to move after calculating the cost of living here alone over the summer and paying all the bills by myself for 4 months and the next year's summer over my internship due to no subletting. I tried to save my family more money and I ended up screwing myself over. I guess this is God's way of telling me not to take things into my own hands and just trust in His provision.

Now as i hunt for a new place it's hard to find one that I can feel comfortable in. There are many places here no doubt, but few are not mouldy and crawling with the famous savannah roaches, spiders and bugs due to the humidity. Especially for the hot summer and fall. When I had decided to move in with MIchelle, there weren't things to worry about other than waiting for things to go through. Now, I'm struggling to find a roommate, struggling with the budget, struggling with the knowledge of how expensive things are when shared among just 1 or 2 people. just by myself, internet would be around $50 a month, with utilities, things could easily shoot up to $150, $200 or even more. I can only sit and pray that God would provide something along the way.

Things are awkward between michelle and I now and I don't know if I can talk to her now because any reminder of just her reminds me of the house I am losing and it guts my inside out. I've not only lost a good place to live, but also a good friend. Though we got together in a group the other day for a meal....I can't help but admit things are no longer the same. We can't even hold a conversation or say hi to one another anymore. It's hard because she was one of my bestest friend here and compared to my other friends, she was the only one whom I would hang out with and now it's gone, I feel like a hermit with no friends. True...I still have Naomi and a bunch of other people, but they weren't as close.

I feel foolish for that decision and nothing I could do could turn it around. It sucks because in this case, there's no one to blame but myself. Finding a new place would be hard in comparison to what I have right now. Dear Lord...kill this feeling of pain pleasseeeee