oh boy. so many things that are going on. i'm pretty much overwhelmed!!!
it's good that Os are over. i pretty much dun care about my last paper - art hist. i never scored in that anyway...so i'm pretty sure that i won't be relying on paper 3 for my aep score =)
but now that the Os are over. the horror begins =S
firstly. that means that prom is approaching...fast. and i have completely no idea what on earth i'm going to wear. but i know for sure it's not a gown. my darling lovely cgl will be bring me shopping tomorrow. and since my bro sadly had to return to camp and thus is unable to make it, i dragged sarah along. muahahaha. then again. she's excited for me. weird. in church everyone is excited...no. not those going for prom. others. i don't understand what's so fun about prom....i suppose i'm just too afraid to face up to the facts that hey. i'm losing all my friends. thinking about it alone just makes me wanna cry. i'm so sorry if there are parts of your farewell letter that you'll be unable to read cos of tear stains. try figure out what i'm writing =)
anyway. back to prom. more sobby stuffs later.
i'm in a way, both scared and excited for tomorrow. i've never really dressed dressed up. well...partly because i don't know what to do and cos i know my taste is horrendous. so i avoid humiliating myself. heh. peeps wants me to wear a gown. but as it is, i'm seated so FAR away from my close buddies. sad. and far away from the stage. YAY at table 31 that's like what 2nd/3rd last row??? yippee. someone remind me to bring a ladder on that day so i can watch wad the hell is happening! i'm scared too. i dunno wad to expect from amy. as it is, she's a real...style queen and all..full of makeup and makeover tips. but her style is so not my style. since she has style and i have none. still..it's a scary thing. FIRST BIG TRANSITION.
and then, i'll have to start packing my stuffies to pass to my juniors and counsin. not that i'm sad to get rid of my books. i'm more than glad to. but it's just so many! i have no idea how to start. so far i got barely anything cleaned up..but i got 2 bags of rubbish thrown away already =) it's a good start. then i'll get my room repainted and hopefully get this childish triple decker bed out of my room and replace it with a sofa bed. haha. i want a slacking cosy corner. if i have the $$ i'll get a beanie. but for now. i might just get a small rug and put my 2004 birthday present from the brudders (the incredibles director chair) there. cosy to read books i suppose =) not that i read much. but it's always good to look smart and intellectual. note that i said look. i obviously ain't. i didn't inherit my bro's chao bugger genes. which THANK GOD i'm pleased with that =)
and next there's choosing of jc or poly route. i can't make up my mind. i dun really want to go to a jc since i'm pretty sure i'll hate the As. and yet i;m afraid of going to a poly cos i'm scared of making the wrong choices. oh the horrors. it's driving me nuts =S this is the time i wish i didn't have a choice =((((((
and then yf. i'm happy that i'm growing in my walk with God. but this is really scary. all of a sudden i got so much work to do. big changes in pub, new projects, with me heading them, website flash to learn, people to recruit, being part of the ministry leadership. all this info within a day. i was seriously swept of my feet. and the sermon was on TEAM! on service, serving! i'm excited and scared once again. i know all these will make me more dependant on God. well.. i asked for it. it's weird how most people just pray for friends and stuff to go well, while i pray for a closer relationship with God. so i shan't complain but praise God for all these new stuffs that's coming my way and sweeping me off my feet. i look forward to all these, knowing that it'll help in my growth and all. God rocks =) but. i'm scared too. i'm not the type that interact much with people i barely know. it's gonna be a real challenge to lead the team next year. and i know it deep inside. i'm worried i won't do a good job, won't lead the team to grow and all. all that vision i have. it's always empty talk. i did a horrible job at leading arc. i don't want the same to happen. and i'm scared. frightened the hell out of my body. i cry thinking about what i've done. if things did happen that way...i wouldn't be the president of arc. neither would i be in house comm. nor would i be in class comm.
yet. though i didn't do a good job in any of them, i realised that i did make an impact on the people around me. reading the autographs that my classmates wrote for me is really encouraging. and i am indeed surprised at how i had unintentionally and unawaringly inspired them to study, how i had encouraged them in their faith through my own words and actions. it's scarily shocking. yet true, and it's shocking! i thank God for encouraging me through you guys. through my cg, through teachers. THANK YOU =))))
the end of Os marks the end of my life in ij. i never knew how i would ever ever ever miss a school. especially since i was so eager to get out of pri sch, wanting to start afresh. away from all that gossip and all that horrible illtreatment from fellow students. and to think some came from my close friends were really hurting. i came to IJ all by myself. and i started afresh. i never wanted to be the teacher's pet ever again. not that i became one again in secondary school, but it was a chance for me to restart my life. to explore, to grow.
i never planned to be a leader, to be so "successful" in people's eyes, to have such a beautiful cca record. i entered sec one, joining a cca which i would never have grown in. a cca which would never have brought out the best in me. sec 1 passed so slowly, yet so beautifully. i admired my peer support leader, even though many of my peer support members and juniors hated her. weird. we stayed in contact. even till now. though we hardly talk. but that's besides the point. she played a part in my life. and it was important.
then there was mrs helen tan who had so caring took time off when i had terrible menstrual cramps. i so wanted to die and get rid of my uterus there and then. still...she was there, talking to be so gently, wiping my sweat and all. such love, i always wanted, yet never experienced. i was touched. thank you mrs tan (who was ms ng at that time)
then in sec 2, i quit gym. cos i hated it so much. i was trying to find a slack cca, yet something that would bring me far. give me a good record. i heard robotics had at least one competition a year that all members would take part in. this meant that i would get good cca grades rite?? so i joined, after checking with it's current members how it was. i fell in love with that cca on the orientation itself. there was this closeness among the seniors, this friendliness that drew me to the cca. i was glued to this bond that i myself wanted to have. thus, my love for arc started.
arc wasn't a slack cca at all. i clearly remember. no one in arc can forget that. haha. but it was something i don't regret though sometimes i wished i was never part of it. the brudders all started out as strangers. novita with debby, clarissa and i, regina with ?????, anne marie, denise, su hui and tiffany as one since they were current members. we were never close in sec one. yet, it was arc that brought us together. through Oasis, the bond among us grew, and it stuck with us throughout my life in IJ.
the times of stress we shared during competitions, NJRC 2003, FLL 2003, FRS 2004, NJRC 2004, FLL 2004, robocup 2004. THANK YOU. the tears, frustrations, joy, stress. everything. THANK YOU SO MUCH. i don;t want to let you guys go. i want to hug all of you tight. never let you go. i refused to hug anyone of you and say goodbye during the retreat because i wanted to believe we will be in contact even after we leave. but one by one, as you came up to me, a big emotion welled up in me as i cried and realised how much i loved you all, how much i am unwilling to see you all leave. it tore through my heart. just as it is right now.
i dun wanna say good bye. i don't want to.
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