horrible day at school

bah. i had a horrible day today =(

i don't think i can survive 2 years of JC =( seriously. i;m DYING!

not that i don't like SAJC. i ADORE the school. it's just the stupid education system that i hate.

and i'm not fit for JC life. physically and mentally. haha.

i started off the day with maths tutorial in which we were working with partial fractions. according to the tutor, it's the easiest topic in JC. and guess what??? i'm struggling like crap already. there i was, sitting in class, staring blankly into space becos i could not understand what the teacher was saying. i was paying attention mind you, and she didn't explain what we were supposed to do. no idea man...what (Ax + B)/(x^2+1) + C/(x+1) + D/(x-1)...hello. she didn't explain. she just...gave us the steps. i felt like a complete idiot. i just don;t understand how the rest of the class could answer the questions...RAH...i was so frustrated i was half swearing and half on the verge of tears. oh my goodness. and she said it was the easiest...crap la. i'm gonna fail maths, and GP, and lit and chem and bio and chinese...AND GEEE..that's all my subjects! i'm gonna screw up JC if i cont staying there. and no. i don't care about u VF Ong. so what if u see so much potential in me and want me to go to a GOOD JC and a GOOD UNI? too bad. i'm not your daughter so boo.

chinese was horrible as well. i seriously think i can no longer understand chinese. not that i really care. but the subject itself is disgusting. =( maths lecture was equally horrid. why oh why am i so "fortunate" to be stuck with the lousiest maths tutor?!?!??! i miss mr ng and mr tan already =( i caught no balls on functions =( neither did anyone else in the lecture theatre. then again...almost everyone wasn't paying attention to her. hello??? katie and her class mate were eating a jar of peanut butter during her lecture la. and i mean JUST peanut butter. they had a jar of peanut butter in their hands and they were dipping their fingers into the jar and popping it into their mouth. haha. quite amusing.

i thought perhaps bio would be good since it has been pretty ok so far, but to my utter dismay, it totally made my day worse =( it was the most basic practical of all - using a microscope. but i had a million problems just trying to focus the damn thing and getting to see the specimen. i could NEVER do it right. lynette on the other hand, kept getting it. for every specimen we had, she had to focus it for me. i did the same thing as she did, turn the stupid knob for the focus, but i NEVER saw anything. all justa blur, and of course, occasional CLEAR black spots..which aren't exactly what i'm supposed to see. i was highly annoyed. esp since everyone around me could do it. even those without bio background. i wanted to CRY. how am i suppsoed to take bio and pass my practicals when i can't even use a STUPID MICROSCOPE?!?!?!?!? and to make matters worse, my syllabus happens to be MOLECULAR BIO...geee....

i'm stuck in the dilemma of whether to go for OG outing or SFC fellowship =( i dunno. i dun like my OG so i know i won't enjoy my time there. but i adore SFC and if i fall deeper in love in it...then....it;ll be super painful when i leave SA for poly.

RAH...i'm annoyed, frustrated, hurt..i want to kill myself. i dun see a purpose in studying in JC anymore. everything is so meaningless. esp since i dun understand a single thing. and i feel like such a dumbass seeing all my friends so smart and all. i'm living a life without purpose. i don't even like myself, or my family. i don't have any bf, so there obviously isn't anyone i'm living for. all these while i've been psychoing myself into thinking that God is the main purpose of my life. but He's not. He's obviously not the centre of my life and as hard as i may try. or perhaps i'm not trying my best, i dun have a love for Him or a passion or hunger for Him. i can't hear His voice, and the things i see in the bible are just superficial things that don't really strike me. i'm just reading the word for the sake of reading becos i want to grow, but it's not WORKING. it's frustratin and hurting and i get super jealous of people who enjoy a close relationship. who enjoy great gifts from the holy spirit. people who can see visions, people who are intercessors, people who have a passion and burden for the lost. why isit that i have such a hard heart? do i even have a heart?

i hate the way i am, hate the way i look. i see no positive things in myself. i hate the way i have to pretend everything is fine when it's not. i hate the way i have to pretend that i'm ok with the way i am just because i'm embarassed of my own self. i hate the way i'm so unsure of myself, that i need all the attention and love in the world to keep myself going. i HATE MYSELF. i hate myself for being stupid, ugly, short, fat, un-girly, style-less, un-close to God etc.

dun worry. i won't kill myself or take drugs or wadeva....no money to do so and no gut to either.