i'm sad. i dunno why.

i supposed i'm scared of all the changes. peer pressure and all. confused on which route to take, jc or poly. makes it all the more harder when you can't seem to cope with the jc work load and ur puny brain just seems to be unable to absorb the info and all. at that point of time, the poly route seems to shine more brightly, with a hope of a better future, as if i might enjoy it even more since there's more interest and more experience in that line. i don't know. it's harder when u have supportive parents. perhaps, if we weren't given choices. things would be easier.

why did God have to give us choices?

i don't know. but i just can't seem to connect with God. sometimes i want to feel Him, but it's so hard to. so hard to worship Him when u cant connect. it makes it so hard to worship cos u feel as though u're just singing meaningful songs for the sake of it. and even when u try really hard, u just can't find Him. but now and then, when u close u eyes and still ur heart, without focusing on Him. He's there. right beside me, comforting me, even without words, his presence, His hand over my shoulders to just assure me that He's there. you just can't help but wonder if it's just yourself or if it's really God.

i wonder why my heart is so fickle. i can be touched and go all OOHH LAA LAAAA as what pastor dave says, and be on a spiritual high..but that lasts me only for a few seconds. how pathetic. and i yearn for more. i yearn for that passion for God, that hunger. my mind says YES, but my heart remains silent. isit right then, to force yourself to do things for God? to try as hard as you might to worship Him, even though your heart still isnt there? is it accepted by God? even if u tried really hard to focus on Him and get ur heart right?

so many questions i'm lost. confused. sometimes i wonder how i still want to cling on to Him despite all these. why isit i even bother to try so hard when it's not working. perhaps, i'm just clinging on to the hope that what they all said was true. if u want with all your heart, and if u wait patiently, He will answer your prayers. and though things may seem bad, He's doing lots of work within. so perhaps...just perhaps.....

i'm just clinging on....